Hi guys- Greggo here- before we get started, I want to give you a quick language warning- Yes, I’ll be speaking English, but if you’re at a place where kids are- you’ll have to excuse my French.
Thanks!
As 2019 comes to a close, I can’t help but raise a figurative glass to what
may perhaps be the most pivotal year of my life thus far. I know some people
get thrown into a sort whenever they hear about resolutions and everyone else’s
growth;
and to that I say: bitch get over it.
In a way, that’s the main takeaway right there in bold.
Around the beginning of 2019 I left two jobs:
One was figure modeling and the other was working as a bouncer at my local gay
bar in order to pursue what I was expecting to be a very successful row in the
field of car sales. The decision to leave both jobs wasn’t easy. I’d loved my
home bar before it ever even opened (like literally messaged the manager asking
if I could help build parts of it) and figure modeling at the time was one of
the only outlets I had that made me feel like I could meditate on my
development as a person and as an artist.
My first week selling cars was awesome, I got within the top 5 sellers of a 19
person team, and sold about 12 cars my first month, but unfortunately that
streak didn’t last and neither did the enthusiasm for the job; there was a
steep learning curve in it all that I didn’t really catch on to per se, and for
whatever reason things didn’t work out.
I felt defeated. I spent so much of 2018 looking for a job that was even
remotely close to what I went to school for and still came up short- After all,
I had just graduated in May with a degree in electronic media broadcasting and
even had awesome internships with notable institutions like Austin’s local NPR
station, KUT, Texas Monthly, and even garnered various awards in my roles of
producing promotion for the campus radio station, breaking news reporting when
catastrophic flooding ripped through Central Texas in 2015, and the top prize
in a competitive marketing workshop by Cox Media Group. Surely something even
remotely close to broadcasting or even public relations would reveal itself to
me.
Wrong. So so so wrong.
Most places were scams. And the ones that really piqued interest never gave me
a call back- even after numerous emails, hyperlinked resumes, and coverletters
were sent. Other places were more swift with their No’s. My favorite
opportunities of them all had me come in for a second interview, only to break
my heart a week or two after. So I eventually settled in to that car sales arena,
only for my plans to fall apart once again.
But here’s where 2019’s magic came in: I persisted and survived.
About a week before I had started my job selling cars, I got into yoga. I
figured I’d miss the stretching and meditation that modeling gave me.
After the car gig didn’t work out, I got back into modeling but kept yoga
as part of my weekly routine.
There’s a very special power that yoga can have on your body and on your mind
if you manage to calm the external distractions that cloud your environment. It
took a couple of tries but eventually I learned how to sit and stand on my own-
in my own power, if you will. On a psychological note, I’ve learned in school
about the power of neurons- which kind of act like cookies in the web browser
of your brain. Every memory you have and even every action that your body takes
creates the chance to either trace down those thought-cookies and re-download
the feelings and memories that come with them, or there’s the
chance to exercise overwriting them. One day I eventually fell so deep
into meditation that I felt like I had confronted those deafening voices. The
ones that made me toss and turn. The ones that told me I was worthless, that my
dreams were futile, that I was not worthy of my own happiness. They screamed
while I stretched; and in the brightness of the sun and in the beauty of the
day I wept. But the most beautiful part of it all was that after my
session was over- the things those voices were saying eventually disappeared
altogether… because each stretch paired a physical obstacle with a mental
obstacle, and so long as I never left the mat feeling stiff, I knew that I had
worked those mental kinks out bit by bit, day by day. With each
opportunity that came and went and with every new professional disappointment
steeping in, I had more time to meditate. And the more I meditated, the more I
realized the gradual silence of doubt that had me in paralysis before. I
was unknowingly coming closer to this dream that I had planned on pursuing
AFTER I had gotten a comfortable job- and you’re reading and listening to it
right now.
Starting a podcast and a website where I get to discuss my existential angst,
tell other people’s stories and share my creative energy was always the plan eventually,
but the anxiety and societal pressure of what it takes to become a voice worthy
of being listened to always tore at my heart and soul. To be an artist is to be
vulnerable, and to share that vulnerability in a way that may very well be
tossed into the cosmic funnel of cyber-sludge that is this digital landscape is
an EXTREME vulnerability that made me toss and turn to the point of creative
debilitation. Someone once told me in their own battle with artistic angst that
one of the things they keep in mind is a constant reminder that “Nobody needs
your art.” And for some reason, I thought that saying was made for me.
So, I created excuses for myself like “I’m not good enough yet, I should
practice more.” Anything to avoid confronting my artistic demons.
The
loudest voice of all was telling me for years that I’d never have what it takes
to go out on a limb and produce the very content that I wished I could hear,
something that would recognize me in my glory and power and say “I see you, and
I love you.” That very same voice that had been haunting me for years had
suddenly stopped altogether. Eventually I mustered up the courage to begin
looking back on past work, and for the first time in a long time, I thought of
my growth, and of my potential and it made me smile.
It’s not always easy to get to that state of transcendence- especially as
someone who has a crazy amount of anxiety, and an improving but nevertheless
eternal battle with depression- but this hippy yoga bullshit has helped me- and
now that I’ve found the power of my voice, it’s my time to tell you
I see you and I love you.
Thanks for keeping up.
Can’t wait to see where we go.
We’ll talk next week.
If you liked this episode, please give the Facebook page some love-
share all the memes like all the posts, or if instagram and Twitter are more
your thing- simply throw some hearts at me over at @GregGoneWild.
Thanks for your support, and best wishes on this Happiest of New Years!
